I’m still wondering how I didn’t stress eat full boxes of whatever was in the cabinets last Tuesday.
I’m still a little afraid of the realities that so many people (myself included) may have to face right now as Donald Trump becomes much more than a possibility.
I swore up and down I wouldn’t get political here and I’ve been thinking about how appropriate it may not be for this context but I do believe that the personal is political.
Nothing makes me feel better than a good selfie.
And as a queer person, I take this very personally.
Let this sink in:
As per his comments on marriage equality last night; I want to be able to not be forcibly electrocuted and protected from legally sanctioned violence against my body before I even consider a marriage license.
The heteronormative institution needs to stop suggesting that marriage will shut us up, that that’s the end of our wanting to be seen as human, that that’s all they need to “give us” in order for things to be leveled out without considering our humanity and the root of our existence.
Let me repeat: my safety from both institutional and individual discrimination and physical violence is more paramount to me than a piece of paper.
Benefits of marriage are wonderful and important and huge. But not being beaten or murdered on the street and denied medical care in a crisis because someone is too self-important to assist me are a priority right now.
Until donald trump sheds his complete and utter indifference toward me and other people like me, many of my friends, and my partner; he is not an ally to my community and so many other communities that are feeling the fear of his vitriol, no matter how fast or how furiously he seems to be backpedaling.
Right now it is easy to say “calm down” or “don’t worry” when you are white, a cisgender man, straight, and/or Christian. Your privilege includes the privilege of not living in fear, not imagining how much you have to lose. Privilege is not being sent a check in the mail for having any one of our culture’s decidedly normative identities–privilege is not having to think about it.
At the same time, my identity is one of the ones with a target on its back; but I live with the safety and privilege of knowing that I am not going to be ripped from my family because of my immigration status or labeled a threat to national security for my religion and that is something that I take really seriously.
I care because it affects more than just me; but I care enough to listen and enough to know when to shut up and let other groups who are part of the whirlwind of threats and vitriol to tell the world that they are tired and scared, too.
Think about being emotionally tired all the time. Not even having the wherewithal to be angry about it. This is where so many of us are, myself included. And I’m not sure, personally, where to move or how to keep moving.
That doesn’t mean I’m not going to wait and see. I have had many talks with many people, a big one being with my family.
On top of the exhaustion and anxiety that this pressing reality of my own oppression and the oppression of so many others, life is just constantly happening to me at the moment. My partner and I have decided (not entirely mutually, but I’m working on my part in this) to give each other some space.
And of course my anxiety is screaming “WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME?” when that is not the case. Space doesn’t have to be a cop out, an “I’m gradually gonna let you down easy” or a way of saying “wait until I figure out if I actually want you anymore.” It is something that all humans crave as much as they crave intimacy.
I just happen to have trauma that forces me to assume the worst when someone doesn’t want to be around me all the time.
My best friend and I went to Long Beach (New York) to walk for a while. We caught the sunset and the moon.
As many of you know from my story, my dad left in the middle of my childhood. He stayed in my life, but he was preoccupied with beginning a new family that I didn’t adjust to; a massive interruption in what I considered to be normative in my environment. He was also in a space of what constantly seemed to be rage and anger, that I took to mean that something was wrong with me. My body responded by eating and blaming myself for every small detail. I took these patterns with me to grown up life.
Being given space hasn’t just been something my partner took to benefit herself. Speaking only to my own experience (so as to be as fair to her as possible, because I can’t really speak to what is happening for her)–it has only been a week, and I’ve had to grow into this. I don’t have a choice.
And it’s not the end of my world. It’s the beginning of a new one, where I like myself and my own company a lot. It’s a time to see friends I haven’t seen in years or months because I’ve been either too sick or self-absorbed or submerged so deeply in codependency that I couldn’t stand the idea of being alone in my own head or my own body.
But now that I have had to sacrifice being sick and scared for the very act of loving my partner from a distance right now, I am learning a sense of self-sufficiency (slowly) that I haven’t had in a long, long time.
Seriously y’all: get yourself some of this!!!! Bath and Body Works aromatherapy in Eucalyptus Tea. I took a bath almost 12 hours ago and I still smell good.
In the past seven days, I’ve taken more baths and gotten my nails done twice and seen more friends than I’ve seen in a few year back here at home. I’ve written in my journal more often. I started attending a support group. I’ve had difficult conversations with very tough people that hurt and triggered me deeply, and I’ve survived them. I’ve made more connections and experienced more support and love than I’ve possibly ever felt.
I’ve also started tweeting three things I’m grateful for every day; as part of this month’s Recovery Warriors challenge. I used to do it all the time but now it’s more important than ever; when I feel like I have so much to be sad and anxious about.
My sense of security, even in a world filled with the possibility of denying my existence, is intact at the moment. And I owe that to making every effort to remain peaceful despite it all. Because we have to. I have to. The world needs me, and if I’ve learned anything in the past week or so, it’s that the only person I can guarantee will show up for me every single time is myself; but that doesn’t mean I have to do it alone and self-rescue my way to surviving.
I am on a journey to Make my Spirit Great Again; and thank you for coming with me.
—
Recovery is only possible with connection! Email, @ or follow me:
Twitter: @caitsrecovering
Email: caitisrecovering@gmail.com
Instagram: @caitisrecovering
Royally Incomplete 